I haven't written a blog post in a while, and there's a reason for that.
A few days a go I got the news that I have passed my MA, I am now a registered Dance Movement Psychotherapist with a license to practice.
This is good news for any but for me it means other things too. It means leaving behind the pain of the past, it means the limbo is over and it means leaving the vulnerable label that hung over me behind, for good. The journey was one that I would never change, it brought some amazing people in to my life, but it was also a journey filled with tough times and set backs. For a long time I fought against the fact that I was too ill to undertake such a course, I had to take time out to get myself back on track. I was seen as someone who wasn't handling 'life' and therefore too vulnerable (for myself and for clients) to achieve my license to practice, which, upon reflection, was fair enough.
Not any more.
It seems fitting that with the news I am choosing to end this blog.
I will never stop advocating for Mental Health services and Eating Disorder services and I will never stop believing that people need to speak out about their experiences to reach out to others. It's important to use your voice, be heard and make changes, but for the moment I am taking a step back.
I am so far in to recovery that it's almost time to use the phrase 'I am recovered', but with that it means that I have to take a step back from the world that surrounds the context of an eating disorder. I have been in it so long, ill, recovering, researching, that even though I haven't been engaging in behaviors it's somehow still been part of my life. Now it's time to let that go, to be able to breathe again and not keep remembering what used to be, because I am determined to never go back to that.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a voice for people, many people go on the talk about recovery years after their illness, which is amazing, but for me it's time to leave it behind and move on, the last process of the healing.
For those of you out there that are in recovery, contemplating recovery, still in the throes of an ED or someone who's life has been affected by eating disorders, please know that it can get better.
For a long time I thought that I was going to be engulfed in anorexia,depression, self hatred, anxiety and darkness forever, I truly believed there was no way out of the hell that it creates, I was wrong. No matter how convinced you are know that things can change and days can get brighter. Before you disbelieve me let me tell you that I am nothing special, I am not a unique case, it is just possible. For you too.
I used to hate the phrase 'Trust the Process', really hate it, but it seems to be the best thing to believe in. Trust that with time, patience and courage it can get better. Be brave and do not let the darkness drag you down. Take the steps that you need to, and if it's scary then good, do it scared and believe it's worth it. All the cliches that are thrown at you are infuriatingly true, it IS worth is, you do have to trust the process, you are the light at the end of the tunnel, you do have to feel the fear and do it away, and the only way out is through ect ect
'Hold On Pain Ends'
'Hold On Pain Ends'